I am having a mild panic attack as I am not sure what I am doing but here it goes! This was a very compulsive and spur of the moment action for me. Also this is a revisited journey that I started in 2013 and decided to stop after a while of doing it because I just didn’t see the point. But today while in my quiet time with God, I was directed to do this. And I know this can’t lead to anything bad, especially if He is telling me to do it. So here it goes.
This all comes at a place in my life where I am at crossroad for myself. On one hand I am blessed with a good job, family, few friends, fortune, I am loved and I am physically healthy. I have all the things I could ask for in life and more. So we would essentially tell someone like this not to complain and be grateful, which I am! On the other hand I am struggling a bit internally. I am not fully happy with me and I am on the road to find what make me happy. I am discovering self-care and self-love.
I am a person who likes control over all aspects of life, I like to fully understand the outcome of things before I do it and I like to understand where a thought and a feeling came from within me. I am a “what does it mean? it has to be deeper than that” person. When in actuality it just is not that deep. A thought is just a thought, a feeling is just reaction to the thought.
I am also learning that although I am person who desires to inspire and lead women one day. I lacked empathy and compassion for some women. I have been judgemental and that is wrong. I even envied some women from time to time because they seem to have to life, the happiness I desired. And this is all hard to really admit to yourself. So for those things I am sorry. In this place in life I am starting to see the beauty in all women and girl WE ARE AMAZING. I can also admit that I may not fully love me the way that I should. I am filled with fears and ‘what if’s”. I think about how much I may be stepping outside of the mold of what I am suppose to be but I can’t tell you who’s mold it is. I think about what if I don’t align with what others have thought of me and what if I lose people because of it. This is a horrible place to be trapped in. In reality I just want to be me and I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to live. I want to laugh.
Truth is, you can’t be anyone but yourself. You can not do what other wants you to do. All the hurt that I have encountered from past relationships and experiences with people in my life has to go out the door if I want the healing that God has promised. I can’t believe it but I am about to turn 31 in a week and I am still searching for my identity. Let’s not say searching, as I know it exists. I am trying to dig her up again, dust her off and let her shine like she once did.