The Journey Continues

Whoa!

I am having a mild panic attack as I am not sure what I am doing but here it goes!  This was a very compulsive and spur of the moment action for me.  Also this is a revisited journey that I started in 2013 and decided to stop after a while of doing it because I just didn’t see the point. But today while in my quiet time with God, I was directed to do this.  And I know this can’t lead to anything bad, especially if He is telling me to do it.  So here it goes.

This all comes at a place in my life where I am at crossroad for myself.  On one hand I am blessed with a good job, family, few friends, fortune, I am loved and I am physically healthy.  I have all the things I could ask for in life and more.  So we would essentially tell someone like this not to complain and be grateful, which I am!  On the other hand I am struggling a bit internally.  I am not fully happy with me and I am on the road to find what make me happy.  I am discovering self-care and self-love.

I am a person who likes control over all aspects of life, I like to fully understand the outcome of things before I do it and I like to understand where a thought and a feeling came from within me. I am a “what does it mean? it has to be deeper than that” person.  When in actuality it just is not that deep. A thought is just a thought, a feeling is just reaction to the thought.

I am also learning that although I am person who desires to inspire and lead women one day.  I lacked empathy and compassion for some women.  I have been judgemental and that is wrong.  I even envied some women from time to time because they seem to have to life, the happiness I desired.  And this is all hard to really admit to yourself. So for those things I am sorry.  In this place in life I am starting to see the beauty in all women and girl WE ARE AMAZING.  I can also admit that I may not fully love me the way that I should.  I am filled with fears and ‘what if’s”.  I think about how much I may be stepping outside of the mold of what I am suppose to be but I can’t tell you who’s mold it is.  I think about what if I don’t align with what others have thought of me and what if I lose people because of it. This is a horrible place to be trapped in.  In reality I just want to be me and I want to be loved.  I want to love.  I want to live. I want to laugh.

Truth is, you can’t be anyone but yourself.  You can not do what other wants you to do.  All the hurt that I have encountered from past relationships and experiences with people in my life has to go out the door if I want the healing that God has promised.  I can’t believe it but I am about to turn 31 in a week and I am still searching for my identity.  Let’s not say searching, as I know it exists.  I am trying to dig her up again, dust her off and let her shine like she once did.

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